I wrote this post during the night some time ago when I couldn't sleep. It's sat around in the queue for some few weeks. I am not sure if it sounds wimpy or whiny. But I finally decided I would post it. Yeah, I am engaged in a battle to be healthy. I do not want to be taking handfuls of pills for the rest of my life. Palliating my problems with medications only masks the symptoms, not cures the underlying problem.
So here it is, almost the "full Monty," the details of what haunts my nights:
I wake up in pain and having weird tremors and other symptoms fairly regularly. Sometimes I lay awake for hours with sheets of fire running down my arms.
Bad shit has been going down for years but I never really have had the opportunity to talk about it. The broken neck, hysterectomy, and hip surgeries were just incidental to a well-worn body of a woman, mother, and stick fighter. It's the creeping neurological symptoms that terrify me. I don't need sympathy, because I'm pretty tough, but finding myself accepted by the ladies in my old reenactment unit was heart-warming. Sometimes I need shelter.
My bad stuff, you don't have to read further but I feel the need to say it:
My original symptoms started with my colon and bladder. They were getting mixed signals, and eventually my colon just stopped doing its job. It doesn't receive signals from my nervous system anymore. I'll spare you the details. My bladder is still getting signals but they are crazy mixed up. These two issues resulted in a massive tear in the tissue between my colon and vagina. The side of my colon fell through my vagina and... I can draw you a diagram in person if you are that interested. Of course, my coworkers were so interested, right after the doctors diagnosed the rectocele, there I was in the treatment area drawing diagrams for them on the white board. Veterinary people are a funny breed.
Oh, and jokes on me: the mesh they used to repair the tear is the one that's been recalled. My surgeon still won't give me my records. I'm sure he is fearing a lawsuit but in his favor, I have other worries.
Sometimes, like right now, I am scared. My newest symptoms relate to my ability to talk. I will have trouble talking suddenly, episodes that last 30 minutes or so. These are typically preceded by distinct paresthesis in my tongue. Knowing I am waiting until December to see my neurologist is just ramping up my anxiety.
(Update: Amazing to me but the "wait list" paid off in my neurologist's office and I got a call one evening for a mid-day opening the next day. Great luck! Turns out my doctor thinks the "marble mouth" thing is caused by nerve entrapment, possibly scar tissue from either the broken neck or the surgery to fuse and plate the neck. Ah. Okay, now I have a forming plan to go back to Dr Chow, my sports chiropractor, and see if we can do Active Release Therapy on my shoulders and neck. Maybe I can get this one thing fixed. And so now I find myself less afraid, better armed against this new enemy.)
Hey, I can type and I can paddle, and paint. At least for now. I have already lost some ability to do fine detail on my paintings so my style is evolving to "Impressionism." No one needs to know it's because I can't do the detailing anymore. I have thought of drafting my son to do some detailing for me. It's worth revisiting if he ever recovers from his own problems. And I might regain some abilities that were lost. It seems nothing is certain and I have no firm diagnosis. Peripheral neuropathy, interstitial cystitis, dis-functional colon, foot dropsy (don't remember the correct term), degenerative disc disease... maybe there won't ever be one name or over all diagnosis. (Update, I got a new one to add to the list: Myofacial Pain Syndrome. In reading up on it I understand it is more of a symptom than a disease in and of itself. I think, in the end, that my body makes a lot of scar tissue anytime it is challenged with a physical assault. Unfortunately the scar tissue can be a problem in and of itself.)
And here I am today. Editing photos and blogging and wishing I was paddling instead. See, sh*t ain't so bad!
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