I had a tough week, there will not be any pictures of the hard parts

The fall rains have come
All grey awashed, storm ridden
The road has gone under

Lotus flower
Your boat is launched
I set you free

It has been a really hard week for me professionally and personally. That is all I can say, really. As many of my generation do, allow me this quote from the Princess Bride: "life IS pain, Highness."

I found myself silent the last week. I have not written for my blog or created anything. I had to stop and evaluate. Something had to change. It was time.

Several people have told me recently that I was a catalyst for change in their lives. One lady, a kind and thoughtful member of the cat rescue community, told me "you know you sent me on this path? You know that, don't you?" I did not realize, but do acknowledge that I indeed did guide her in that direction. I was profoundly touched. This was the day before I left my office one last time.

My thoughts ran "If I can be a catalyst for positive change in others, why can I not change my own life?" And so I did.

I decided to quit working as an office manager this week. I left the office behind. It was tough, really, so hard that I do not even yet have words to describe it. I had worked there about 18 years. I am aware that my years with the doctors were the longest relationship of my life, other than my biological family and my reenactment family. I guess the doctors and long-term staff were my "third" family. But it was time to say good bye.

There are few things I have ever done that were harder. It had to be.

I left the office for the last time as an employee on Thursday. Today is Sunday. I am still finding I have a tendency to think of the middle of next week as taken up by "work." My life will need a need pattern, a frame work, structure.

I guess this is where the second half begins. A play of two acts, the curtain fell on Act I, now the curtain rises on Act II. I wonder what will happen? And I hope the set designer and play wright are both good.

I leave my reader with some photos of the truest companions I could know in this life time:

Yes, cats, my cats

And my dogs. I am coming to believe that we incarnate, some of us, on purpose to experience love, pure love. And sometimes loyal truest love can only be given by a dog.

Indy, Professor Jones, my sweetheart

Torvald a' Bigbootee, my husband's heart dog

And Kona, the Queen Bee, our "Nugget of Evil"

Let me be a Quiet Storm

I wrote the hi-lite in blue a while ago. I wasn't sure where I was going with it but the article made a big impact on me. Sometimes I am not really sure which direction I am going with my life, my art, in my travels. But I have a feeling I am headed somewhere special. Here's what I wrote several months ago:

"I have been very sad lately. I never shook off the depression from the winter. So every step is sometimes a struggle. And the health thing, another problem, sigh.

Read this article:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/comic-riffs/wp/2014/05/27/rachel-louise-carson-google-lets-fly-a-doodle-true-to-environmental-writers-nature/

As I read this article I became again convinced that small steps can make great strides. It has become necessary to constantly remind the humans around me of the beauty out side. A life lived in contact with nature is a life well-lived. Or so I believe."

Because of the health thing I have always the thought that the next crushed vertebrae or impinged nerve may be the end of my art, and my paddling. It is ever present in my mind.

When I die I don't want people to say "Oh she was nice, and she kept a clean house," and not have much else to say about me. No. I want to leave a trail of happy memories, challenges met, fears conquered. I want people to say "remember the time we ..." and get excited telling the story and laugh. I sometimes joke that "More Will Than Skill," will be my epitaph. That short statement says I tried, I went, I did it, even if just by the skin of my teeth. 

And I am still returning to the article about the Blue Mind (I'd rather read than listen to a talking head) http://www.cbsnews.com/news/wallace-j-nichols-blue-mind-book-tries-to-prove-the-ocean-washes-stress-away/

I am a Blue Mind pusher, a cocktail waitress for happy brain chemicals. This ties in beautifully with "A life lived in contact with nature is a life well-lived."

It gives me no small satisfaction to feel I'm on the right track.

Some photos from a recent trip, because I know people like to look at pictures. I do too, actually. The blooming of the lotus blossoms on Mattawoman Creek is a thing not to be missed. Much like the ritual viewing of the cherry blossoms, the lotus bloom opens and falls in a flurry of bud, peak, and fade. So tender, sweet, and sad.

DJ, looking like the serious trip leader. He's a good captain, and not at all uptight, as this pic would imply, and Kat who gamely carried my second radio and wore a leader tag

Jim gave a talk on the ecology of the Mattawoman. His group: The Mattawoman Watershed Society, Inc http://www.mattawomanwatershedsociety.org/home 

paddlers listening

the Lorax paddled from the beach at Leesylvania, VA side of the Potomac, to join us. His total for the day was 22 miles. (!) He paddled his Point 65N XO 16

Now we are in to art shots

Petals fall away as the seed pod swells

That Indigo Girls song, Let It Be Me: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4qS9KZGvxhA
Maybe sometimes I want it to be me, and sometimes I am too afraid, not as strong. I, too, tend to peak and fall in a rhythm. If I am not a beacon of light, let me be a quiet storm; one who washes over and carries people to the peaceful waters and contemplative mind. 

Paddling is not about "fun"

Last year my employer and my husband both agreed to let me work part time. I use the time to exercise, heal, rest & de-stress... I am not saving much money for retirement, really, but I don't see the point if I'm not going to be alive to enjoy said-retirement.

My husband June 29 2014 

U.P (unknown paddler) and Kimmie in "my" Sirocco! She says she loves the boat. I am glad I passed it on to some one who loves it as much as I did.

Janeen, one of the regulars from my exercise paddles

James sits in an eddy while others take their turn playing in the current coming off Little Falls

Andy, one of our fearless leaders

What nice boats

June 15 2014 near Edgewater, MD

Selfie 

James circling my boat 

We had some wave action

Recently I was told that some people who see me regularly think that my life is great; they wish they were "off having fun" like me. This has led me to have anxiety, the exact opposite of what all the down time was supposed to produce. I wanted to write a scalding retort to their presumption that my life is "fun." But I have found I do not have it in me. I am considerably anxious, and have lost all desire to "defend" myself. Reacting defensively might have been counter productive in any case.

My whole package is no "fun." Medically I am a wreck... Maybe mentally, too. The "seasonal depression" that came this last fall turned into "all season depression." I guess that's just called plain old "depression."

"If you were me, you would need to relieve some stress too."

My son said the other day that I "walk around like nothing is wrong," and so I "can't blame people for thinking every thing is great and wonderful." I have spent my adult life fronting. I doubt I can stop now. It is almost a matter of pride that I act like I am A-okay. "Pride cometh before the fall," right?

I have just scheduled my seventh surgery in five years. I am like Michael Jackson, eh? But without the talent and money. No, really, none of the surgeries have been cosmetic. But I would rather they were! I want a chin tuck, dammit!!

I can't believe this is happening. I so disbelieved this could be real, that I made and cancelled two appointments with my primary before I actually went to see him. I kept thinking "well, maybe I'm over-reacting?"

I can't believe this is happening.

My week (or two) in photos

Once a year, depending on when the dogwood blooms, I photograph my pups in the backyard playing ball.
The above seven photos were shot May 4, 2014.

This is a long term project for me. I started it in 2012, the first spring Kona spent with us. My intention is to show them changing, all while the dogwood goes about its much longer life cycle. It is a bitter-sweet project. Even now I can detect the changing colors around Torvald's eyes and it is worrisome. Below are two photos, one from each year of the project.

Kona 4-1-2012 Only 8 months old and 36 pounds she has not yet suffered the injury to her right front leg that would plague her for the many months. Her face looks open and loving in this shot.

Kona and Indy 5-5-2013. Kona is fully grown at only 42 pounds. She is a petite girl, 2/3 the weight of the boys. She bullies her larger, stronger male house mates regularly. We speculate that her leg injury made her a bit meaner as she was (and still is) always concerned that some other person or dog might step on or bump her leg. Yet she is intent on catching the ball in my hand.

As this blog mainly talks about paddling I will return to that subject in just a moment but first I wanted to share some of the beings that fill my life with joy. Having dogs, large dogs, is not always easy or pleasant. And yet they bring so much to me in trade for the hassles they bring as well. They walk with me, which allows me to feel slightly safer walking forest trails without another human. They lay at my feet or next to me on the sofa sharing warmth and comfort. And they poke and prod me, encouraging me to get moving when I seem to have no other reason to arise from my lethargy.

I have been suffering from left shoulder pain now for the last 6 months or so. It became worse after I had a slip on the ice in March. Paddling is not actually hard on my shoulder. As long as I practice carefully and with good form I don't feel any shoulder pain at all. The pain gets me when I am moving around my desk, or moving in bed. Or dressing, dressing has become very hard indeed. Especially bras, they are hard to pull over my head or fasten. I hurt it really bad putting on my pjs last week. This is ridiculous.

Today the arm is tingling and numb on and off. From my shoulder down to my elbow and then my ring finger and pinkie there is a feeling of shooting nerve "pain" people often describe as "pins and needles." I've cut back on paddling but am going to yoga as the shoulder moves more easily after a yoga lesson. But even that is in jeopardy. I'll have an MRI Tuesday and then see what the orthopedic surgeon says. Snap. But I can walk, and walk with my dogs I will do.

I have paddled less but got out on the river last Wednesday. I billed the event as a full moon viewing but the misty rainy weather did not cooperate. It was okay though. We still paddled almost ten miles and enjoyed the misty view of the fancy real estate and National Harbor.

Andy

Lisa

Becky

The group crossing the Potomac to the Maryland side and then paddling up stream to the National harbor.

First break. Due to the river being so high we never were able to find a place to land.

 Well, that was a nice paddle. And I am still getting out. I will beat this shoulder thing back.

New toys!

I have a Sea Kayak Carolina "sea kayak surfing"class with Dale Williams coming up at the end of this month. I am really glad to be getting out of northern Virginia for a few days. It should be warmer in Charleston and I am hoping for good weather.

 I am somewhat intimidated by the class. I am planning to bring my CD Sirocco. I have enjoyed this boat in surf and find that it handles rollers and following seas well. The boat gives me confidence, it is a platform to build upon. Downside would be I haven't been able to complete a roll in it. But I have practiced wet exits and heel hook reentries in it very recently. As I said, the boat gives me confidence, so I am not worried so much about biffing in the waves as I might be in another boat, like my Solstice.

myself and the Sirocco

Brian did warn me that I might need to reenter multiple times and that I will likely "get tired." This has been so present on my mind that it drove me to start running again a few days ago. I had been waiting for my busted knee to heal, but decided I couldn't afford to wait any longer. I have been running farther each day. I plan a five mile course, alternately running and walking. Today I managed to run an entire mile & 1/2. This might only be impressive to me, but then again, I'm my own worst critic as well.

I am also looking forward to getting back on my bike. It's been a year since I rode with any regularity. I had been riding two or three times a week until last spring when my neck pain became just unbearable. Taking a break from regular rides improved the situation. I guess the best I can hope for is one ride a week. Having several bikes at this point seems silly so I plan to keep only my cyclocross bike. It's been my main ride all these years and I really can't see the point in keeping the others.

Me heading out on the C&O Towpath with my main ride

With the Dale Williams class, then the East Coast Paddle Festival and several other symposiums coming up this year I decided it was time to fill in any holes in my paddling kit. So I purchased my own radio this week. I wanted one that was a little smaller than the one I have used for the last two years (which is really my husband's but he doesn't need it often). I also ordered a tow belt and 18 foot line. During the two trips to Florida I noticed several other paddlers had quick release lanyards they used to tie up when taking breaks, clever, and so I ordered one of these as well.

Maybe I went a little "wild" as I also ordered, drum roll please, a dry suit for my husband. Amazon knows how to reel in a sucker. They sent me a notice that the same suit I have was available in an XXL for 30 bucks less than I paid for mine. I considered my suit a great deal so there was no way I could pass up this one. Purchasing it solved my husband's two piece dilemma, neatly. Now I have my bottoms back so that I have a two piece back up dry suit and he will have just the one suit. He will need it way less often than me so this seems a good solution.

new toys!

I am planning on getting out tomorrow morning just to practice strokes, and then paddling the big water off my friend's beach in Coltons Point, MD, on Saturday. We will celebrate the arrival of spring that night before heading home to NoVa. Sunday will find me looking for a quick paced "exercise" paddle and hopefully a low-key bike ride.  My week starts over again.

My week, not in pictures!

Sadly, there is not going to be much photographic evidence of this week. The camera-thing is just not meant to be. I have started carrying one of my two no-longer-water-proof cameras in a dry bag designed for cell phones and cameras. As far as I can tell I have been able to shoot a couple of pics but the system is so clumsy I generally am not even pulling the camera out of my vest's belly pouch.

But I had a great week on the water and today's only Friday so that may say something. My week started out with an immensely cool pool session Sunday morning at Lee District Pool. As we are signed up for March as well we checked in with the roll coach but chose to practice the skills we already have and save the roll-coaching for the less-packed March classes.

I have discussed rolling at length with Brian, watched videos, and listened to other paddlers who have rolls. I also watched the successful rollers at the pool paying quite a bit of close attention. I came to the conclusion that the extended paddle roll looks the easiest. Brian told me he would use that same roll as a default in conditions. And I have watched a video featuring that roll as well. So that's likely to be my target during March class.

Another thing successful rollers have said to me in several different ways is "relax." Darrick said Dub-side advised him that the first step in the lay-up is to "relax and let your pfd pull you towards the surface." As I watch my strong, athletic husband struggle to complete a c-to-c roll I realize that he is trying to "muscle" it. Not relaxing at all, which is understandable as hanging upside down from your cockpit just doesn't seem too natural.

A lot to think about and prepare for.

Monday found me a bit sore from the many wet exits and self-rescues I practiced on Sunday. My chiropractor would love the set of bruises I gave myself. He would always ask why I was so bruised up from "just paddling," but it seems last year I have spent a significant amount of energy learning and practicing good self and assisted rescue techniques. This will serve me well in the coming club season.

Tuesday I left work at lunch to join some of the "usual suspects" in a paddle out of Occoquan Regional Park. I was hoping to see some of the Tundra Swans that had been spotted by another the day before but alas, I was denied. However I did spot a multitude a large gray/tan sea birds, really really large with hooked beaks like a bird of prey. They floated singly or in small groups on the water in the larger mixed groups of birds. In the air they looked like birds of prey as well. Got to identify them. I think they must be migrants just stopping over on their way north.

A nice military fellow stopped to ask us about area paddling and we got him to kindly snap our photo before we launched

Brian and Pete set a fast pace out of the launch and Becky, Dennis, and I were lagging just a bit. I had chosen my Sirocco as sometimes one can find big wakes at that locale where the Occoquan and the Potomac converge. I was hoping for some surf. Instead, I got served a big helping of "paddle-you-butt-off" as "Motorboat" and the "Faster Pastor" were in fit form. I don't think they were even trying hard. We did about 8.5 miles, and my gps said we only averaged a moving speed of 3.8 mph. Ok, that was a slow speed for a lot of work.

My left shoulder is becoming a problem. It is visibly swollen and hurts the worst it ever has. I am sure it's the same bursitis that has plagued me every winter for the last 20 years, but in a much more aggressive way. I really suffered Tuesday and Wednesday nights, and barely slept as every time I moved the arm I was jolted by grinding pain. In some kind of senseless sleepy state I wondered if I could tape the sucker down or wear some kind of body sling that would keep me from moving it overnight. Ugh.

Regardless, I left work again at noon of Thursday to paddle with the crew at Columbia Island. We headed out the Boundary Channel north to Fletchers for lunch and then returned via the big river past the monuments. It had turned dark and overcast, so even though I had the camera with me I knew it was pointless to try and shoot anything, on this one of my favorite parts of the Potomac.

courtesy Lisa

This day I brought my Dragon Boat, as I call my Solstice. She is my "big gun," my "sword of the sea," as she slices the water like butter and working hard means breaking 6 mph, not 4 as in the Sirocco. Dennis, who paddles a lovely Gulfstream, asked me about her. He noted that he was struggling to try and maintain an opening distance between "Motorboat" and himself when he looked over just as I slid past him, seemingly not working hard at all. His perception was correct. The Solstice is a race horse. She's made to run, and I love her for it. She's my once-in-a-lifetime boat.

I am hoping Dennis posts a pic of us to facebook and I'll grab it for here.

Returning to the shoulder issue; here's the odd part: the first few minutes I am paddling it hurts like I am stretching scarred muscle tissue but then the joint warms up, loosens up, and I don't feel any pain until the night time. So last night I skipped my evening Celebrex dose and applied Voltaren gel directly to the joint. I also applied some Arnica gel. I slept on my back with my arms propped on pillows like I do when I am having neurological problems stemming from my spine. I didn't sleep much anyway but the shoulder didn't hurt as much as the previous nights.  However, some nerve is definietly being affected as my pinky, ring, and middle fingers as well as the outside of my left arm from the shoulder down kept going completely numb and then I couldn't move the arm much.

Holy smokes!!

So now I am exhausted, haven't slept well since I left Florida. My left shoulder swells intermittently, and the rest of me feels healthy and ready to go, even in the face of not sleeping. Just this broken wing could be a problem. Hmm. Regardless, I am trying to arrange a lesson for myself and the Lorax for tomorrow, or a low-key paddle with Chuck's club, at the least.

Yeah. I guess I don't let my physical condition dictate my days. I refuse to be ruled by a busted shoulder.

thoughts on a lost friend

I am working on the trip pics, never fear, installment number two will likely post during our incoming "blizzard."

I have had a lot of time to think. Water time elicits deep thinking.

I had once had a best friend; many-years best friend. I put up with her bad side as I truly enjoyed her good side. I imagined she felt the same way about me. But actually, it turned out that I was wrong. When she dumped me with no warning nor explanation I was shocked. Really truly deeply shocked and heart broken. I have never felt such grief. It is a grief made real to me on a work-a-day basis.

Never make friends in the work place is a take-away from this episode.

Another take-away is that I have begun to make better personal relationship choices. I think I was very accepting, far too much so, of my friends' and their personality defects. I can think of 5, 10, people with whom I would not now chose to be around. In fact, most of those people I do in fact now avoid. They are part and parcel of why I dislike being around my old reenactment group. Don't get me wrong, there are many good and fine people in that crowd, and some I really really like. However, I chose not to expose myself to the toxic amongst them, and this means I see the whole crowd less. But so it must be.

I feel like I have some real genuine quality friends now. When one of them hurts my feelings or does something I think is not quite right, I am comfortable discussing it with them. And they feel the same about me. It is a comfort to know that if I ruffle feathers or hurt feelings then that person will feel secure enough to discuss it and work it out.

Grown up, grown old? Or grown wise? I chose to be young, and wise. It's a good place.

Calusa Blueway Trip Report Part 1

First off, props to Bill and Mary Burnham. If you are looking for an all inclusive guided trip in the Florida Everglades or Keys and Barrier islands I can not more highly recommend the Burnhams. Their knowledge of the area, tides, lodging, and weather is solid. And they cook smashing food! They even managed to provide me, the gluten-adverse, and James (no raw tomatoes) with plenty of yummy food. http://www.burnhamguides.com/

Mary

Bill

Mary and Bill below (with Jaclin) while making us lunch. It seems like this is the day they made the best tuna salad I have ever eaten!

Now for the trip: We left icy nasty Northern Virginia at about 8 pm Wednesday 1/29/14. We drove until about midnight, stayed at a Days Inn (I think, I was pretty torched). We drove the rest of the trip starting at 07:00 the next morning after (free) breakfast at the hotel. That night we were booked at the Bokeelia cabins that were conveniently located at the launch site. http://tropicstaradventures.com/

We finished our 1100 miles journey at about 8 pm. Whew.

We were to meet our group and guides at 10 am on 1/31/14 at the launch. 

We started packing and discarding items from our kits at 6 am. Mary had sent us a list of suggested items and said to use a 20 liter dry bag for clothes and a 5 liter for cosmetics. They provide the bags but we had our own and didn't use any of theirs. We brought our own camping stuff, tent, sleeping pads, etc, as well. We also had one 5 liter dry bag of electronic stuff chargers, batteries, head lamps. And I had to carry a 5 liter bag of meds and personal stuff that is kind of unmentionable but goes along with my chronic health issues.

Jaclin launching, and others preparing to carry the fully loaded boats down. We used four or more people to carry each boat. The Burnhams have worked out a system to move the fully loaded boats without damaging them.

The Burnhams can provide boats but we brought our own. Myself I brought my Current Design Solstice GTS and James brought his Point 65N XO 16. We put our deck bags on and stuffed the heck out of our boats. We each received a full 10 liter water bag (dromedary) to carry for the group. As well, I received a package of frozen shrimp which I tossed up fore of my foot pegs and James stowed group cook ware. 

It was cool and rainy when we launched. We paddled out of Bokeelia and on to Cayo Costa Island (Cayo Costa State Park) where we had a two night stay booked in a pair of primitive cabins and two campsites. The water was a bit rough so I didn't take many photos of the start of our journey.

James

Myself right after launch

Right from the beginning my camera acted up. This Nikon Coolpix AW100 is toast. It was at one time water proof but the gasket around the battery/card slots now lets a slight amount of water in. I had planned ahead and brought 60 1 gram silica packs. I stowed the camera in a clear dry bag with 5 new packs each night. In the morning it would be dry but inevitably I would either drop the camera in the water or take a good splash up over the deck and poof, the camera would be fogged up inside again. From today on, I have no water proof camera. It either stays in a dry bag designed for cameras or I just don't carry one. Sadly, this must be. Eventually I will be able to replace it but I am fund-less until at least  April. I must pay to play and so sadly, must return to my desk at the cat hospital in order to buy new gadgets and just be on the water, in general.

But enough of that, the trip report awaits! Ah, birds...This is very front and center for me. I paint and use photos I have taken to assist me in recreating the beautiful bird life I have witnessed. Birds are dear to my heart.

Yellow Crowned Night Heron seen with in five minutes of the group launching

ubiquitous selfie...

 We stopped for a lunch break on a tiny mangrove island half-way to Cayo Costa.

Kind of rough landing amongst the mangroves. There is a technique to landing on barely existent beach among mangroves, which I had to learn, and would serve me well on the 6 day trip

As I said, the water was a bit rough and the camera, not so good

Approaching the beach where we would be camping

The water went from a dark gray blue in the Pine Island Sound to an amazing opaque turquoise-green as we passed on to the Gulf side of Cayo Costa Island. As the water was rough it was wasn't clear as it would be on following days. The beach was soft sand, a big difference from the Keys that I had paddled a mere three weeks ago. We set up our tent in the site next to the Burnhams, opting to sleep together rather in the gender assigned group cabins.

The next morning dawned cloudy but warmer and with quiet winds.

Nice collection of high end boats. Current Design was well represented with the largest number of boats under their brand.

I had an embarrassing episode the night before where in my 2 liter dry bag holding my actual meds, antihistamines, you name it, had gone missing. It had worked its way into the long nose of my "Dragon" boat and was not visible to myself, nor the three other people who looked. Dork. Bill saved "the day" when he reached his long long arm all the way into the boat and was just able to feel it and snake it out. So the next morning I put the one tiny dry bag in a larger clear 5 L dry bag which I would then carry with me for the duration of the trip. I put the long bright green Hawaii lanyard on it, both to make it easy to see and easy to carry on my shoulder, almost like a hand bag. If one really gets to know me, one of the first conclusions reached will be that I love bags, bags of all sorts. So it was comical to me to be forced to carry this dry bag as a purse. You can see the 5 L bag I mention on the deck of my boat above. Really embarrassed myself, but now it's just comical.

We were sight seers this day. We had a base camp and a group of us, minus Mary, paddled out in the after noon to explore Cayo Costa. It was an interesting trip. At one point we portaged over the island from the Gulf side to a static lagoon on the other side. From there we paddled out into the Pine Island Sound and back around to our campsite, about a 13 mile circuit. We had a nice dinner and fire with s'mores. We headed back to camp to police our stuff for the early morning take down and launch.

James