I had a tough week, there will not be any pictures of the hard parts

The fall rains have come
All grey awashed, storm ridden
The road has gone under

Lotus flower
Your boat is launched
I set you free

It has been a really hard week for me professionally and personally. That is all I can say, really. As many of my generation do, allow me this quote from the Princess Bride: "life IS pain, Highness."

I found myself silent the last week. I have not written for my blog or created anything. I had to stop and evaluate. Something had to change. It was time.

Several people have told me recently that I was a catalyst for change in their lives. One lady, a kind and thoughtful member of the cat rescue community, told me "you know you sent me on this path? You know that, don't you?" I did not realize, but do acknowledge that I indeed did guide her in that direction. I was profoundly touched. This was the day before I left my office one last time.

My thoughts ran "If I can be a catalyst for positive change in others, why can I not change my own life?" And so I did.

I decided to quit working as an office manager this week. I left the office behind. It was tough, really, so hard that I do not even yet have words to describe it. I had worked there about 18 years. I am aware that my years with the doctors were the longest relationship of my life, other than my biological family and my reenactment family. I guess the doctors and long-term staff were my "third" family. But it was time to say good bye.

There are few things I have ever done that were harder. It had to be.

I left the office for the last time as an employee on Thursday. Today is Sunday. I am still finding I have a tendency to think of the middle of next week as taken up by "work." My life will need a need pattern, a frame work, structure.

I guess this is where the second half begins. A play of two acts, the curtain fell on Act I, now the curtain rises on Act II. I wonder what will happen? And I hope the set designer and play wright are both good.

I leave my reader with some photos of the truest companions I could know in this life time:

Yes, cats, my cats

And my dogs. I am coming to believe that we incarnate, some of us, on purpose to experience love, pure love. And sometimes loyal truest love can only be given by a dog.

Indy, Professor Jones, my sweetheart

Torvald a' Bigbootee, my husband's heart dog

And Kona, the Queen Bee, our "Nugget of Evil"

Paddling is not about "fun"

Last year my employer and my husband both agreed to let me work part time. I use the time to exercise, heal, rest & de-stress... I am not saving much money for retirement, really, but I don't see the point if I'm not going to be alive to enjoy said-retirement.

My husband June 29 2014 

U.P (unknown paddler) and Kimmie in "my" Sirocco! She says she loves the boat. I am glad I passed it on to some one who loves it as much as I did.

Janeen, one of the regulars from my exercise paddles

James sits in an eddy while others take their turn playing in the current coming off Little Falls

Andy, one of our fearless leaders

What nice boats

June 15 2014 near Edgewater, MD

Selfie 

James circling my boat 

We had some wave action

Recently I was told that some people who see me regularly think that my life is great; they wish they were "off having fun" like me. This has led me to have anxiety, the exact opposite of what all the down time was supposed to produce. I wanted to write a scalding retort to their presumption that my life is "fun." But I have found I do not have it in me. I am considerably anxious, and have lost all desire to "defend" myself. Reacting defensively might have been counter productive in any case.

My whole package is no "fun." Medically I am a wreck... Maybe mentally, too. The "seasonal depression" that came this last fall turned into "all season depression." I guess that's just called plain old "depression."

"If you were me, you would need to relieve some stress too."

My son said the other day that I "walk around like nothing is wrong," and so I "can't blame people for thinking every thing is great and wonderful." I have spent my adult life fronting. I doubt I can stop now. It is almost a matter of pride that I act like I am A-okay. "Pride cometh before the fall," right?

I have just scheduled my seventh surgery in five years. I am like Michael Jackson, eh? But without the talent and money. No, really, none of the surgeries have been cosmetic. But I would rather they were! I want a chin tuck, dammit!!

I can't believe this is happening. I so disbelieved this could be real, that I made and cancelled two appointments with my primary before I actually went to see him. I kept thinking "well, maybe I'm over-reacting?"

I can't believe this is happening.

My week (or two) in photos

Once a year, depending on when the dogwood blooms, I photograph my pups in the backyard playing ball.
The above seven photos were shot May 4, 2014.

This is a long term project for me. I started it in 2012, the first spring Kona spent with us. My intention is to show them changing, all while the dogwood goes about its much longer life cycle. It is a bitter-sweet project. Even now I can detect the changing colors around Torvald's eyes and it is worrisome. Below are two photos, one from each year of the project.

Kona 4-1-2012 Only 8 months old and 36 pounds she has not yet suffered the injury to her right front leg that would plague her for the many months. Her face looks open and loving in this shot.

Kona and Indy 5-5-2013. Kona is fully grown at only 42 pounds. She is a petite girl, 2/3 the weight of the boys. She bullies her larger, stronger male house mates regularly. We speculate that her leg injury made her a bit meaner as she was (and still is) always concerned that some other person or dog might step on or bump her leg. Yet she is intent on catching the ball in my hand.

As this blog mainly talks about paddling I will return to that subject in just a moment but first I wanted to share some of the beings that fill my life with joy. Having dogs, large dogs, is not always easy or pleasant. And yet they bring so much to me in trade for the hassles they bring as well. They walk with me, which allows me to feel slightly safer walking forest trails without another human. They lay at my feet or next to me on the sofa sharing warmth and comfort. And they poke and prod me, encouraging me to get moving when I seem to have no other reason to arise from my lethargy.

I have been suffering from left shoulder pain now for the last 6 months or so. It became worse after I had a slip on the ice in March. Paddling is not actually hard on my shoulder. As long as I practice carefully and with good form I don't feel any shoulder pain at all. The pain gets me when I am moving around my desk, or moving in bed. Or dressing, dressing has become very hard indeed. Especially bras, they are hard to pull over my head or fasten. I hurt it really bad putting on my pjs last week. This is ridiculous.

Today the arm is tingling and numb on and off. From my shoulder down to my elbow and then my ring finger and pinkie there is a feeling of shooting nerve "pain" people often describe as "pins and needles." I've cut back on paddling but am going to yoga as the shoulder moves more easily after a yoga lesson. But even that is in jeopardy. I'll have an MRI Tuesday and then see what the orthopedic surgeon says. Snap. But I can walk, and walk with my dogs I will do.

I have paddled less but got out on the river last Wednesday. I billed the event as a full moon viewing but the misty rainy weather did not cooperate. It was okay though. We still paddled almost ten miles and enjoyed the misty view of the fancy real estate and National Harbor.

Andy

Lisa

Becky

The group crossing the Potomac to the Maryland side and then paddling up stream to the National harbor.

First break. Due to the river being so high we never were able to find a place to land.

 Well, that was a nice paddle. And I am still getting out. I will beat this shoulder thing back.

Scratch that last statement about the Sirocco

Today I had two epiphanies about my Sirocco.

A preface first: Friday morning I had lifted my arms to braid my hair and I felt something in the left shoulder catch. I couldn't raise it or lower it. I ended up pulling the arm up with my other hand and felt a massive "pop" and incredible pain swept all over, like an electric shock, down to my toes even. My eyes teared up and I briefly thought I was going to either fall down, or barf, or both. This morning I woke up and had almost no pain. Elation!

Also Friday, before a giant sucking sound was heard from my wallet during a dental appointment, I took the Sirocco out to practice ruddering and braces. I am a bit fond of the boat. I have gotten comfortable laying the boat over and gently righting it, using a low brace, without jerking it or feeling alarmed by the lack of push-back.

Then, with an eye towards that class next weekend, I took it out into the windy chop of Belmont Bay today, with my husband in his Gulfstream. I remembered how well it handled the rollers down in the Keys. And it did again. But with a more discerning eye today I realized that while it climbs rollers well, when one turns the boat around and the seas are "following," that great performance disappears. The swells sweep around the boat, not lifting it or allowing one to "catch the wave," the way my Necky Elias does.

Instead, the boat was constantly working to turn broad beam to the waves. I think most boats will try to do that anyway more or less. The Sirocco is a long and heavy boat, turning it back straight took a lot of work. Ah so. Turning the shorter lighter Eli back takes a stroke or two at most. I want to take the best boat for the class. I worry if I am working so hard to keep the boat going straight that I will have less opportunity to learn the other skills I will be offered.

Leaving the water today I was already leaning away from taking the Sirocco. James helped me carry the boat over to the car and nestle it into the Hullavator cradles. I tied it down and then started lifting it. The Hullavator doesn't pop up with the Sirocco in the cradles, it is too heavy. So I have to lift the boat up on my fore arms, and then change the position of my hands half way up and continue lifting the boat. That's when I had the second epiphany: My left shoulder was struck by searing pain. Holy cow! I thought back, oh my goodness...my shoulder started getting *really* bad right after I bought this really heavy boat.

The Solstice weighs 48 pounds per the Current Designs website. That boat pops up in the Hullavator cradles so fast and easy it's disconcerting. Almost as though the boat is going to keep right on going, catapulting away. The Eli goes up with a bit more work, it weighs 56 pounds per the Necky website. Now, the CD website says the Sirocco only weighs 60 pounds. I just don't believe it. The Eli feels at least 10 pounds lighter, both in my hands and on the Hullavator, than the Sirocco. Brian suggested it would be worth weighing my boat sometime. I think my bathroom scales and I have a date with my boats. More on that to follow.

New toys!

I have a Sea Kayak Carolina "sea kayak surfing"class with Dale Williams coming up at the end of this month. I am really glad to be getting out of northern Virginia for a few days. It should be warmer in Charleston and I am hoping for good weather.

 I am somewhat intimidated by the class. I am planning to bring my CD Sirocco. I have enjoyed this boat in surf and find that it handles rollers and following seas well. The boat gives me confidence, it is a platform to build upon. Downside would be I haven't been able to complete a roll in it. But I have practiced wet exits and heel hook reentries in it very recently. As I said, the boat gives me confidence, so I am not worried so much about biffing in the waves as I might be in another boat, like my Solstice.

myself and the Sirocco

Brian did warn me that I might need to reenter multiple times and that I will likely "get tired." This has been so present on my mind that it drove me to start running again a few days ago. I had been waiting for my busted knee to heal, but decided I couldn't afford to wait any longer. I have been running farther each day. I plan a five mile course, alternately running and walking. Today I managed to run an entire mile & 1/2. This might only be impressive to me, but then again, I'm my own worst critic as well.

I am also looking forward to getting back on my bike. It's been a year since I rode with any regularity. I had been riding two or three times a week until last spring when my neck pain became just unbearable. Taking a break from regular rides improved the situation. I guess the best I can hope for is one ride a week. Having several bikes at this point seems silly so I plan to keep only my cyclocross bike. It's been my main ride all these years and I really can't see the point in keeping the others.

Me heading out on the C&O Towpath with my main ride

With the Dale Williams class, then the East Coast Paddle Festival and several other symposiums coming up this year I decided it was time to fill in any holes in my paddling kit. So I purchased my own radio this week. I wanted one that was a little smaller than the one I have used for the last two years (which is really my husband's but he doesn't need it often). I also ordered a tow belt and 18 foot line. During the two trips to Florida I noticed several other paddlers had quick release lanyards they used to tie up when taking breaks, clever, and so I ordered one of these as well.

Maybe I went a little "wild" as I also ordered, drum roll please, a dry suit for my husband. Amazon knows how to reel in a sucker. They sent me a notice that the same suit I have was available in an XXL for 30 bucks less than I paid for mine. I considered my suit a great deal so there was no way I could pass up this one. Purchasing it solved my husband's two piece dilemma, neatly. Now I have my bottoms back so that I have a two piece back up dry suit and he will have just the one suit. He will need it way less often than me so this seems a good solution.

new toys!

I am planning on getting out tomorrow morning just to practice strokes, and then paddling the big water off my friend's beach in Coltons Point, MD, on Saturday. We will celebrate the arrival of spring that night before heading home to NoVa. Sunday will find me looking for a quick paced "exercise" paddle and hopefully a low-key bike ride.  My week starts over again.

Ah, right, St Patrick's Day

Funny how we Americans can turn anything into a drinking day. I myself don't participate. Another amateur night.

Today we give a formal goodbye to our friend, Trish. We'll drive through the fresh snow and ice to get to upper Maryland where she lived. I remember right after James and I moved into our new house that Drew and Trish moved into their new house. James drove through another big snow storm to help them move. And now we will say goodbye.

I know, from losing Pat, that there is no final goodbye; that one says goodbye to their lost one over and over. I still think of him often and hug his memory.

I changed my club's header and background. They now reflect Florida. This makes me happy.

Life has moved on. It's strange how the little things become routine, and routines give life texture. My connections to my friends, our boats and the water help pull me through; dragging me along when I am down and lifting me high when life is good.

I had my first week-day club paddle on March 4th. Only Deke and I showed up. That's okay, it's real early in the season and a lot of the paddlers don't own even a wet suit. We found ice on the Occoquan Reservoir. I tried to break through with my "war horse", the Sirocco, but eventually the ice started growing too thick for even that boat's weight combined with mine to break. Plus my carbon paddle was skipping and I didn't want to chip it. Pansy.

selfie 3-12-14

Oh, this is a scary picture. But I like it at the same time. I'm wearing the hat I bought in Hawaii. It's getting a little ragged and stained. Seemed fitting for the warmest day yet this winter. It was hot in all that equipment. "Dress for immersion," and then you get heat stroke.

Camera still giving me fits but I finally decided to attach it on a shorter lanyard so it doesn't chance a dip in the drink. I am also storing it up high on paddles, tucking it into my bra area of my Astral Bella vest. So far, so good.

Last Saturday I talked some club members into trying a launch we've never done before. I didn't have to do much convincing. New water, new bird reserve...OMG. This is my new favorite launch for the next few months until the southbound beach traffic makes it impossible to get there.

We launched from a sandy beach into Aquia Creek, headed out into the Potomac around Marlborough Point and then into Accokeek Creek. The whole trip out was a series of rights, about 6.25 miles. We found hundreds of tundra swans resting in the back reaches of the creek. Bald eagles, returning Osprey, many water birds.

credit Darrick 2014

credit Darrick 2014

Above we gathered on the beach with our motley crew of boats, Darrick is missing as he is standing in the water taking the shot. I brought my Necky Elias, and that's Darrick's sturdy blue Wilderness Tsunami next to my sunburst play boat. The "Eli" is my shortest sea kayak at 15'8". It has a rudder that works dependably but the old style rudder pedals are a bit of a bummer. I keep thinking I'll switch them out but I keep forgetting to order the kit. Maybe now I will remember.

The Eli is always my choice for new water that might get big, and sh*t yeah the big P can jump up and roar, plus I never worry about squeezing the Eli into tight spaces or pulling "him" over branches that block some of the tighter creeks we wander into.

The trip out the water was sweet and relatively smooth. The day was as bright and warm as a late winter day can be here in NoVa.

Baldies! So many I joked you "can't throw a rock without hitting one!"

This osprey is working on building a nest, alternately, it's harassing the pair of baldies that were in the tree right next door making racket until they flew off. The Osprey just maintained it's position, coolly watching us from it's height.

Dennis and the swans taking flight

Above is my favorite picture from the trip. I often try to photograph my friends as they shoot their own pictures. Those are some of the hundreds of tundra swans we spotted.

On the trip back the wind was blowing a steady 15 mph or so, shoving us hard backwards. This also meant we had big sets of rollers to climb. Now, this is exactly the kind of thing I'm keen on, and the Eli handles this well. So I didn't take any photos, I literally had my paddle blown out of my hand twice while trying to reach for the camera. After the second time I gave up and "just paddled."

Woohoo! It was a great day.

Lastly, my friend Indiana Jones, patiently waiting for me to start running again. And so I have. The knee I busted up in the Keys in early January is finally somewhat better. It ached after I ran/walked 5 miles yesterday. I iced it a bit and hobbled off happily to bed.

thoughts on a lost friend

I am working on the trip pics, never fear, installment number two will likely post during our incoming "blizzard."

I have had a lot of time to think. Water time elicits deep thinking.

I had once had a best friend; many-years best friend. I put up with her bad side as I truly enjoyed her good side. I imagined she felt the same way about me. But actually, it turned out that I was wrong. When she dumped me with no warning nor explanation I was shocked. Really truly deeply shocked and heart broken. I have never felt such grief. It is a grief made real to me on a work-a-day basis.

Never make friends in the work place is a take-away from this episode.

Another take-away is that I have begun to make better personal relationship choices. I think I was very accepting, far too much so, of my friends' and their personality defects. I can think of 5, 10, people with whom I would not now chose to be around. In fact, most of those people I do in fact now avoid. They are part and parcel of why I dislike being around my old reenactment group. Don't get me wrong, there are many good and fine people in that crowd, and some I really really like. However, I chose not to expose myself to the toxic amongst them, and this means I see the whole crowd less. But so it must be.

I feel like I have some real genuine quality friends now. When one of them hurts my feelings or does something I think is not quite right, I am comfortable discussing it with them. And they feel the same about me. It is a comfort to know that if I ruffle feathers or hurt feelings then that person will feel secure enough to discuss it and work it out.

Grown up, grown old? Or grown wise? I chose to be young, and wise. It's a good place.

"Paddle On!" Part Four of Florida Keys Trip with CKAPCO

Brian and I went back out, launching from the resort marina. We originally intended to paddle the four miles out to the Alligator Reef Light. We made it about two miles off shore and were in 3 foot swells. They were nice rhythmic rollers but, to be safe we turned back towards shore. With the wind at our backs blowing us back towards shore we made great time surfing towards the south end of the Islamorada Key.

We did a house envy tour. This house belongs to the same people who own the resort we are staying in. It also can be rented. Do you hear my brain ticking? The cogs are turning? A trip with my paddle-buddies brewing? Looky here:

The house has a pool, pool bar and cabana, as well as tennis courts

The house also has an enclosed salt water pool and man-made beach

Leaving the house and island behind we went under the bridge into the Gulf side. The water pushed us under the bridge and into the Gulf with some force. The tides around here are to be respected. Not quite as swift and fierce as the tides in Eastport Maine, but quite worthy of respect, none the less.

We returned to Horseshoe Key. My heart was full of joy at the sight of the birds hovering over the island. It was just Brian and I and we were quiet. The birds were draped heavily from every mangrove. My camera was just about useless but I got a few shots that were okay:

I understand the frigate birds, with their impressive swallow tails and either white heads or black with red throat pouches, are poachers. They steal other birds' catches and eat other birds' young. Still, they were so beautiful to watch. They look like pterodactyls in the sky. Surfing the airwaves and barely flapping their narrow vee-shaped wings.

We ran into this Man O'War on our way back to the bridge. It was being pushed through the opening by the same force that tried to push us back as we (or at least I) paddled hard underneath the bridge.

And then we were back in the marina, one last time

Mike et al had recieved an invite to paddle with the Burnams and Collins on Saturday. I extended my stay at the resort to include Saturday night, as did Brian. No way I was gonna miss that!

Saturday was perfect, perfect temp, perfect clarity, perfect companions. Again, I need a thesaurus.

saddling up

gathering on the water, oh, and a blimp!

First part of our key hopping would be over to these

Frank

a made-made channel through one key

water got a little rougher

Kathy

Kathy and Frank

me trying to get sun on my blindingly white shins

going around Sawyers Key

packing up, calm water

Back at the launch on Blimp Road, not kidding, this paddling vacation came to a sweet end. We rode back to the Collins' house before we turned north, for dinner, packing, a few hours rest before tomorrow's long drive.

Sunday morning, 05:45:

On the road again

I napped an hour twice at rest stops, once at 10:30 am and then again at about 10:30 pm.

Later on facebook I posted "Exactly 21 hours and 1117 miles later, I'm in my driveway. Yay." 

Where to next, boss?