Paddling is not about "fun"

Last year my employer and my husband both agreed to let me work part time. I use the time to exercise, heal, rest & de-stress... I am not saving much money for retirement, really, but I don't see the point if I'm not going to be alive to enjoy said-retirement.

My husband June 29 2014 

U.P (unknown paddler) and Kimmie in "my" Sirocco! She says she loves the boat. I am glad I passed it on to some one who loves it as much as I did.

Janeen, one of the regulars from my exercise paddles

James sits in an eddy while others take their turn playing in the current coming off Little Falls

Andy, one of our fearless leaders

What nice boats

June 15 2014 near Edgewater, MD

Selfie 

James circling my boat 

We had some wave action

Recently I was told that some people who see me regularly think that my life is great; they wish they were "off having fun" like me. This has led me to have anxiety, the exact opposite of what all the down time was supposed to produce. I wanted to write a scalding retort to their presumption that my life is "fun." But I have found I do not have it in me. I am considerably anxious, and have lost all desire to "defend" myself. Reacting defensively might have been counter productive in any case.

My whole package is no "fun." Medically I am a wreck... Maybe mentally, too. The "seasonal depression" that came this last fall turned into "all season depression." I guess that's just called plain old "depression."

"If you were me, you would need to relieve some stress too."

My son said the other day that I "walk around like nothing is wrong," and so I "can't blame people for thinking every thing is great and wonderful." I have spent my adult life fronting. I doubt I can stop now. It is almost a matter of pride that I act like I am A-okay. "Pride cometh before the fall," right?

I have just scheduled my seventh surgery in five years. I am like Michael Jackson, eh? But without the talent and money. No, really, none of the surgeries have been cosmetic. But I would rather they were! I want a chin tuck, dammit!!

I can't believe this is happening. I so disbelieved this could be real, that I made and cancelled two appointments with my primary before I actually went to see him. I kept thinking "well, maybe I'm over-reacting?"

I can't believe this is happening.